what Grandpa Meurer taught me about grace

He moved here shortly after his wife passed away. To be close to family, I assume, since that's the only reason I can imagine he would choose to leave the Pacific Northwest, where he'd built a lifetime of friends and memories. But he did. He left all of that and came to the deserts of Eastern Washington.

And so it was, at the age of 90, he was swimming in our pool one hot August afternoon.

A small, incredulous giggle escaped when I looked out the window and saw it. Sure, he had a little help -- the whole family was over to swim and enjoy some dinner -- but Grandpa Meurer was more comfortable in this situation than I imagined I would be at his age.

At that poing in time, I have to confess I knew very little about this man. He was my husband's grandfather, so I had only a handful of family visits to draw from. What I did know is that he loved good food. So that summer evening, I went back to the kitchen to make good on a promise for apple-blueberry pie that I had made two years prior.

In the past year and a half, Grandpa Meurer went from swimming in our pool, enjoying ribeye steaks and hosting milkshake parties to being unable to walk or remember things well and needing the specialized care of a nursing home. He was hospitalized recently for low blood platelets. While there, he was alert and in good spirits, but I knew then that our time with him was quickly coming to an end.

And this week he left us to go to his true home. He went home just as he lived: with grace.

I saw his grace the very first time we met. Brian and I were visiting them in their home in Olympia and after dinner, they all decided to play bridge. I went along with it, even though my card playing IQ is in the negative digits. It simply isn't an intelligence I possess. I witnessed Grandpa Meurer's grace that night because he was stuck as my partner. I do not remember the game well, except that he was very patient and that we did not win. And also, that they did not ever ask me again to play bridge.

I don't know I fully recognized this quality in Grandpa Meurer until after Grandma Meurer had passed away. She was the smartest old lady I've ever met and had a strong personality to match. For me, it wasn't until after she was gone, that he came to life. Suddenly, he was full of stories and jokes, questions and answers. What I had previous mistaken as his being quiet or passive or admittedly, at times, not very bright, I see now as his marvelous example of grace. He took the blame, he shifted the spotlight, responded with gentleness, not because of failure or unworthiness or personality but because he chose to.

That's grace.

Of course, when I finally understood this, my respect for Grandpa Meurer suddenly grew, a respect that has proven well-founded over the past year and a half.

Aging is not for the faint of heart or proud of spirit. Which is why Grandpa Muerer handled it so well. Aging requires a certain amount of compromises, which he peacefully negotiated. The indignities of having someone help you bathe or change your underclothes, eating a meal with people who cough all over your food or prattle on incessantly, being limited in the schedule you keep or the places you go or the people you see, having your requests or complaints ignored because of your age or perceived ability to understand things, the loneliness and depression....these he bore without whining. He was slow to let his personal discomfort impose on anyone else.

That's grace.

A couple months ago, I was in the room he had to share with another person at the nursing home. I had asked a few questions and had shared the latest stories from our life when we reached an uncomfortable silence. I'm not a skilled conversationalist, but I'd always assumed that lame conversation was better than none, so as boring as it must have been for him, I'd visit anyway. Grandpa broke the silence: "I'm sorry I'm not more entertaining..." I protested, flubbering my way through what could have been a more comforting response. But that he would be so thoughtful as to be concerned with my entertainment? When he was sitting, with a pained back, in a wheelchair in a dark room while a stranger was watching TV in a corner?

That's grace.

Grandpa Meurer, especially in the past six months, had many limitations. His visible weakness made it seem that it was I who had strength, that perhaps it was I who helped him. Now that he is gone, I can see how it really is: Grandpa offered me much more than I could offer him. He taught me more about grace than a book ever could. He embodied it. He showed me what it is to live, and to die, with grace.

Midweek, just after I learned that Grandpa Meurer was in the last days or weeks of his life, I ran into the verse that says "God gives grace to the humble". And so I found myself asking God to give to Grandpa Meurer what Grandpa Meurer had given us all these years. I had understood that he was afraid and, in spite of the faith he confessed, had doubt about what death would bring. Also, that his organs were slowly shutting down, that his lungs were slowly filling with fluid, seemed to be a potentially long and painful and, frankly, frightening way to die. I also knew morphine was no more calming or painless for him. So I asked for grace.

I went to see Grandpa on Thursday night. Kathy, my mother-in-law, was already there. There was peace -- undoubtedly from her lifestyle of prayer -- that permeated the room where Grandpa was lying, eyes closed, mouth open, bare chest steadily rising and falling. Kathy tried to rouse him, but he remained as he was. But when I took his hand, he wouldn't let go. We prayed together, Kathy and I, and when we were done, Grandpa's eyes were open. We got excited and talked to him; as we did, his eyes lit up and a a faint smile -- the biggest he could manage -- spread across his face. It was his last expression of grace to me. That last moment with Grandpa is one I'll never forget. His joy, the peace in that room, the grace we all rested in...

Feeling assured then that Grandpa Meurer was resting in spiritual grace, I began to ask more earnestly for physical grace. I went in Friday morning to pray with him, he remained unresponsive while I prayed, but his hands were warm, his skin smooth, and his breathing unlabored. He seemed no different than many other times when I have visited him in previous months. I was concerned this could take a while. But it was the next morning that he went home.

While those finals hours must have been agonizing, there felt a victory in the quickness of it, a confirmation of God's grace in his life. That he went in peace, so quickly, was a beautiful thing.

"Because Grace makes beauty / Out of ugly things." U2 - Grace

adventures with NERD GIRL!

"Truly, I say to you, whatever you bind on earth shall be bound in heaven, and whatever you loose on earth shall be loosed in heaven." Matthew 18.18

What does that mean? What does it mean to be "bound" and "loosed"?

I've wondered that a hundred times, I've heard a handful of explanations for and uses of this verse (all leaving me rolling my eyes and thinking, "obviously YOU don't know what you're talking about..."), but I don't think I've heard it discussed until this past week at small group. We all concluded the same thing: it's confusing and hard to explain. Thusly igniting my curiousity and overnight I was transformed into...duh-duh-DUMB! NERD GIRL!

I report my findings here only as a matter of collecting my thoughts.

A note as we commence: There are some UNbiblical interpretations of this passage -- say, thinking that it means that the church has the power to forgive sins. And there are some interpretations that only make sense if Jesus had ADD and jumped around to random topics every sentence. There are some explanations that make sense for the first passage, but have no application to its doppelganger in Matthew 16.19. These have to be rejected as an, at best, incomplete interpretation of the passage. Not that the following explanation IS complete, but hopefully it is based on historical fact, patterns of biblical truth and the assumption that Jesus makes sense.

We begin with some general observations:

OBSERVATION #1: This phrase -- word for word -- occurs twice in the Bible. They are both in Matthew. Matthew was written to a Jewish audience. Therefore, without any research, we can conclude that this was a concept familiar to those of the Jewish faith. And likely not to those outside the Jewish faith.

OBSERVATION #2: Concerning grammar and vocabulary: the term "bind"/"bound" means "forbid" or "prohibit", the term "loose"/"loosed" means "permit" or "allow", and the verb tense used in reference to heaven is "future perfect indicative", implying a state of completion -- thus, "shall be bound" is more accuately translated "shall have been bound".

OBSERVATION #1 + OBSERVATION #2 + RESEARCH = To the listeners of Jesus' day, the terms "loose" and "bind" were associated with the law. They and referred to the practice of the Sanhedrin (board of religious leaders who decided important things) who would "loose" (allow) particular acts or things or "bind" (forbid) them. There were factions that tended to "bind", and those that tended to "loose". (I would like to imagine that the "binders" would, upon running into a person of the opposite faction, hold his fingers up into an "L" on his forehead and call out, "looser!" But I've no proof of that occurance.)

This was all rather silly because these "binders" and "loosers" had been given no authority to call a certain thing or act allowed or prohibited. They were just pretending.

It was also rather silly because instead of leading to unity, it created division and confusion.

HYPOTHETICAL CONCLUSION: Based on that context, let me suggest a general paraphrase of the passage: "I give you authority not just to make decisions, but to enforce them. Because the deciding on what to allow and what not to allow will have been done in heaven (and communicated to you by the Holy Spirit for action here on earth) the fruit of these decisions will be unity and maturity."

It's like the religious leaders of Jesus' day were the babysitters. Not the fun babysitters, the older sibling babysitters that, in a feeble grasp for authority or power, made up ridiculous rules and punishments (...THAT'S not a description taken from experience...). And Jesus is making the leaders of His Church the parents -- caregivers and leaders with authority who are acting according to biblical principles and relying on the Holy Spirit to make decisions.

We, Jesus' disciples (and most notably, our leaders) "loose" and "bind" things by applying the principles of Jesus' teaching to a local situation. For example, Peter "loosed" the early Christian Gentiles from the Jewish laws. Heaven initiated this "loosing" through Jesus' teachings and the Holy Spirit's leading and so it bore God's authority.

But of course, if this is a hypothesis, we have to test it. (However, the train stops here and if you want to get off...)

EXPERIMENT #1 - Matthew 16.13-20

Jesus is with his disciples and wants to know where they're at in their faith, if they KNOW without a doubt that He is the Messiah. Peter is the one to boldly assert what none of the other disciples would: that indeed Jesus was the Christ. Here is Jesus' response:

"Blessed are you, Simon Bar-Jonah! For flesh and blood has not revealed this to you, but my Father who is in heaven. And I tell you, you are Peter, and on this rock I will build my church, and the gates of hell shall not prevail against it. I will give you the keys of the kingdom of heaven, and whatever you bind on earth shall be bound in heaven, and whatever you loose on earth shall be loosed in heaven."

Realizing this passage is subject to differing viewpoints, I will offer that which seems to make sense to me. Here's my own paraphrase:

"Good for you, Peter! No person told you that, you didn't figure it out on your own, it was God -- through your relationship and sensitivity to Him -- who revealed that to you. You are SO Peter...and your "Peter-ness" -- certainty and enthusiasm and boldness of faith...will be the foundation for the church, which will persist beyond all odds. All you guys have the keys to the kingdom. You're in charge of opening this whole thing up to everyone else, so they will know what they need to do to enter my kingdom. You have a direct line to God, who rules over this kingdom, and through both the teachings I've already given you and the guidance of the Holy Spirit, you will have authority to communicate (and enforce, if necessary) what God's standards are for His followers."

I think that works.

EXPERIMENT #2 - Matthew 18.15-20

"If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained your brother. But if he does not listen, take one or two others along with you, that every charge may be established by the evidence of two or three witnesses. If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church. And if he refuses to listen even to the church, let him be to you as a Gentile and a tax collector. Truly, I say to you, whatever you bind on earth shall be bound in heaven, and whatever you loose on earth shall be loosed in heaven. Again I say to you, if two of you agree on earth about anything they ask, it will be done for them by my Father in heaven. For where two or three are gathered in my name, there am I among them."

This passage concerns conflicts that arise between believers, presumably those that involve wrong-doing and affect the health of the group. The goal of the instruction is unity, that believers should spare no effort to restore relationships:

First, we're instructed to address the problem personally and directly. If that doesn't bring unity, take along a couple impartial and sympathetic assisants (not necessarily church authorities). This is for the benefit of BOTH parties. It ensures objectivity and an outside perspective -- some of us are not so great at communicating and sometimes we think another person has wronged us when we, in fact, are the ones in the wrong.

And if THAT doesn't work, then it needs to be addressed by the church. The leaders of the church need to get involved and if necessary, deal with sin publically. If repentance doesn't happen, you simply can't relate to that person as a fellow believer anymore, but as a "tax collector or Gentile" -- which, from what I can tell, Jesus reached out to. The goal is not to persecute or despise the individual, but to restore them to a right relationship with God and others.

Jesus then asserts that his disciples have authority to maintain purity and unity of the church. God's followers have direct access to knowing what are God's laws, His desires for us. So if, as they apply Jesus' teachings and follow God's Spirit, the leaders of the church find it necessary to remove the contamination of sin, they have the OK from God to do so.

Continuing on that thought, Jesus confirms the power of those who are gathered in unity and who are following what He has commanded. The point is that two people who are unified and following God are a million times more powerful and effective (in prayer, service, discernment of truth and even church discipline) than a thousand people who are living in discord and wrong living. Devotion to God's law is to be pursued, in love, at all costs -- even if it is awkward and inconvenient and humbling.

This one works for me too. What do you think?

And there you have it! A long answer to a question you didn't even ask! Oh, the thrill!

Until next time, this is Nerd Girl, signing off...

seek: a paraphrase

A word flood fell over me last week as I was reflecting on Matthew 6.25-34 and this passage came alive with specifics. Maybe these words were just meant for me -- not everyone is distracted by the same things. Still, sometimes hearing another persons specifics helps us identify our own -- and if it doesn't do that, then just go and read the passage yourself and let God do the talking instead of me.

Don't Worry, Seek God's Kingdom
Matthew 6.25-34
A Paraphrase...perhaps especially for moms, perhaps just me

You can't go in two directions at once; you can't whole-heartedly pursue two opposing things. So don't.

You can't trust Me to take care of your needs and, at the same time, worry.

You can't give Me the needs of your heart and the needs of your body...and hold onto them at the same time.

You can't worship both Me and the material world.

You can't navel-gaze while you seek My face.

You can't live for what lasts if all your thoughts revolve around what doesn't.

What I mean is this:

You don't need to worry about your future...about the possible instability of your -- or your husband's -- job or business ventures...about health problems you or your family might encounter...about how you will afford clothes or food or any of the other material things you feel you need. I want you to come to Me first. I want to be the primary source for your needs. I am more than able to provide.

Stop trying to create your own perfection. Don't worry about how you look to Me. I've given you My righteousness and I want you to accept that for yourself and just rest in that. Don't worry about how you look to others. You know how tiring -- and futile -- it is, trying impress others with your faith or your abilities or how much you know.

Don't obsess over being the perfect mom. You aren't, and you're not going to be. Don't be distracted over what you think other people will say about how you parent, keep your eyes on Me and I will give you what you need to care for your kids. And don't forget that your children and their future are not entirely in your hands. Release them to Me; I can be trusted to care for them.

Don't obsess over being the perfect wife. Or sister. Or daughter. Or friend. Or Facebooker. I want you to love these people, but don't the pressures or concerns or disappointments you feel from these relationships take over your life.

Don't spend your days researching "the best stuff to get". I know you want to make wise purchases -- on your next camera and household cleaners and clothes -- just don't let the pursuit of those things take away from what really matters. Surrender these concerns to Me, let Me be the one to provide you with money and wisdom.

Don't worship your appearance. Aren't there better ways to spend your time than trying to look good?

I want you to enjoy comfort and beauty, but don't give these things more importance than they deserve.

Don't worry about what you eat. Give it attention, think about it...but is spending all your time and money on eating -- be it organic or local or easy or cheap or gourmet -- what you want your life to be about?! It's just food.

Don't let good health be your highest goal. I designed your body to work well, but don't let your pursuit of "feeling good" be the ultimate goal. I know sometimes your health and the decisions you have to make about it can seem like such a big deal at the time. I know you have to take care of these things, but you don't have to freak out over them. Leave the freaking out to the people of the world.

This applies to your kids' health too. You can have the healthiest kids on the planet, but if that's all you have, what good is that? You have legitimate concerns and needs, but don't be so preoccupied with health and comfort that you neglect more important things.

Don't worry about whether you're good enough. Don't spend all your time thinking about whether or not you matter, or looking for approval, or wondering if you're going to make a difference in this world. (Sure fire way to prevent significance is to sit around all day and wish for it, right?) If looking for Me is your first concern, then these things will fall into place.

Life gives you a lot to worry about -- I'm not asking you pretend like it doesn't, to think happy thoughts until reality fades into the distance. I'm just asking you to seek Me. I want you to bring these to Me instead of holding onto them yourself.

You know how you watch your kids play and wish life could be that simple again? They don't worry about how their next meal will come to them. They don't let possible future disaster affect how they live today. They aren't preoccupied with their own significance. They don't worry about what anyone thinks of them. I mean, they don't even worry that the tree branch they're climbing might break!

They just take one day -- one moment! -- at a time. They believe you, their parent, are able to protect them from anything bad that might come and so they don't worry about anything. They just trust.

Be like that. Unlike you, I CAN provide for all your needs. I AM able to protect you from what you fear. So come to Me.

I want to be your food; I want to be your source of Life, all of it: physical, emotional, spiritual. And I want to be your clothes; I want My righteousness to cover you. That way you can do your best to live as you ought without don't worrying about how you look -- to Me, or to anyone else.

Just doing what needs to be done each day takes a lot of your time and energy...I'm just saying, don't let it take your heart. The people of this world live for life, but I want you to live for something greater, something that will last.

seek: inside/outside

One of the unexpected, wonderful thing about our view is the powerlines that dissect the overlook we have of the valley. It's not so much the lines that we enjoy, but the birds that sit on them. Comic relief is just glance away.

The thing about these doves is that they're super-chill. They just sit and watch -- never facing us; they know where the view is.

I don't know what doves eat. I know the hawks that circle the field close to our house eat mice; I've see them dive for them and fight with each other mid-air over a catch. I know the sparrows go crazy over the tiny seeds that grow on the yet-unidentified evergreen bush that grows on the west side of our house. The pheasants meander through our garden in the summer, the robins munch on spring-time worms. But the doves? Short of the three times a year we remember to toss out birdseed, I don't think I've noticed them eating. But they must.

Maybe it was the doves that Jesus was talking about in Matthew 6 when he said:

Look at the birds. They don’t plant or harvest or store food in barns, for your heavenly Father feeds them. And aren’t you far more valuable to him than they are? Can all your worries add a single moment to your life?

We don't know if doves were the birds Jesus refers to in these verses, but historical botanists believe that this was the flower that is mentioned later in the passage, anenome coronaria:

And why worry about your clothing? Look at the lilies of the field and how they grow. They don’t work or make their clothing, yet Solomon in all his glory was not dressed as beautifully as they are. And if God cares so wonderfully for wildflowers that are here today and thrown into the fire tomorrow, he will certainly care for you. Why do you have so little faith?

These flowers grow wild on the rugged hillsides and just burst into bloom one day, an impromptu fashion show. Have you noticed how immaculately designed gardens have nothing on these wildflower displays?

So Jesus compares the concerns of our life to those of the birds and the flowers, asking "Isn't life more than food, and the body more than clothing?"

Jesus probably picked these things -- birds and food, flowers and clothes -- because everyone could identify with them. But those of us who've studied literature can be counted upon to find so many more reasons Jesus might have picked these examples. Fortunately, you will not be disappointed in this regard.

Food is a basic need, required for anyone who wants to remain alive. Not getting enough of it results in diminished physical ability. It is something we need on the inside; it is an internal need.

Clothes are also a basic need, most particularly for those in colder climates. In the most basic sense, they shelter us from the elements of nature -- those in harsh conditions with insufficient clothing can encounter illness or even death. On another level, one no less significant, clothes help us create an identity, they tell "who we are". Men dress differently from women, Americans dress differently than Afghanis, old people dress differently from young people. Throughout the Bible, clothes embody the identity of a person. Clothes are something we need on the outside; it is an external need.

Then we get to the part of the passage that says "But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you." I admit that I got stuck. I've heard the verse a million times and I'd always only heard "seek first the kingdom of God". It was the second part of the command that confused me "seek...his righteousness". And had righteousness stood alone, it would've made sense, but the pronoun threw me. His righteousness?

Then it clicked. Food. Clothes. Inside. Outside. Seek the kingdom -- seek God's presence and reign on the inside. Seek his righteousness -- seek the garments, the identity, of honor and goodness on the outside.

God's presence is our sustenance. He is our breath. Without adequate intake of him, we are nothing, our ability to live is limited. We partake of Him and He powers all that takes place in our day, from serving someone to singing in the car to running down the stairs to get a load of laundry. Seeking God is the inside part.

God's righteousness is the outside part. It is two-fold. In one sense, it is us accepting His perfection for us instead of trying to make our own perfection. In another sense, it is seeking to do what he defines as being right or best instead of what we define as being right. It is seeking to be as we ought to be in feeling, thought and action.

If we seek these two things -- God's presence and reign in our life and God's righteousness -- we will be free from a divided heart that worries itself with the things the world chases after.

seek: on running into parked cars

(So there is a passage that has grabbed me by the neck and, in the most polite of ways, given me a good shake. It is found in Matthew 6.25-34 and -- to borrow a popular phrase -- its doppelganger, in Luke 6.22-34. In attempt to release its grip, I share my thoughts here.)

Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing?

Matthew 6.25

We went to the library last week. My book was due. And I was returning it on time, so this was somewhat of an unusual circumstance.

Usually the fact that our library is adjoined to a tavern and has a parking lot that can fit about 10 cars -- toy ones -- doesn't phase me. But I did notice this particular day, since the parking lot was full and I had to go park at the far end of the tavern's gravel parking lot. It was nice that it wasn't raining.

When we got inside, I figured out why all the car were there. It was storytime. Which, now you know, I have not yet gotten into the habit of taking my children to. I'm still trying to convince myself that there is a good reason for that besides my laziness and forgetfulness.

Since the girls were with me, we played and did a craft before we got our books and left. We were walking back to the car when another couple walked out behind us. For some reason this disturbed Kar. So instead of walking in a more or less straight line to the car, she turned around to watch this couple behind her as she walked. She was also trying to keep an eye on me while telling me that these people were scary. (Glad not all people speak Three Year Old.) I was getting dizzy just watching her. I kept telling her just to walk to the car, that she was fine, I was with her, she didn't need to worry,...

Sure enough, as she was turning from the "scary people", she walked right into a parked car and hit her head. And now that she was crying, the "scary people" finally noticed her and I'm sure had no idea the role they played in the injury.

Turns out, walking into parked cars is exactly what this verse in Matthew is talking about.

Most translations of the verse use the term "don't be anxious" or "don't worry". And there are lots of people who do lots more worrying than me, so except on the rare day, this passage doesn't apply to my life, right?

That was until I read another version: "take no thought for your life" (KJV). Turns out I DO think about my life a lot. Not just about what I'm doing and what I might do in the future, but I get really caught up in my own life and obsess about landscape plants and personality types and what color to paint the bathroom and how much I have to offer the world -- that is, if I could only pry myself off Facebook.

The Geek (oops, is there supposed to be an 'r' in there?) word that is translated as "anxious" and "worry" and "care" is derived from the word for distraction or something that divides. So these are dividing cares we're talking about, things that distract our heart from the true object of life. This concept certainly includes worry, but encompasses all that competes for our hearts' attention.

This is not to say I should only read my Bible and pray. (I wish!) These dividing cares refer as much to our minds as our actions. For example, once upon a time I read a book about eating local. And suddenly found myself burdened with growing a very productive garden and trying to figure out how to eat primarily from local sources.

Now, I believe that these things can be pursued with God as our focus, with a goal of glorifying Him, but that was not the case with me. I was doing it out of a sense of obligation and guilt and "I should" and there was unrest. When I figured it out, what was wrong wasn't what I was doing, it was how much I cared about it...to the point that it crowded out what really is important, because, believe it or not, there are things in life that are more important than home-grown tomatoes and grass fed cows.

That's not what I want. As fun as it is to let myself be consumed by pure food sources and which brand of shower cleaner to use, that's not what I really care about, that's not what I'm really after. I want to eliminate distractions, let worries fade into the distance and get your eyes and heart on what you really want. And do it before I run into a parked car.